Tyler Jacobson
Marx
English 134
1/3/04
Hughson
Brian Noeller comes from the sleepy farming town of Hughson, California. Well, not quite, his family's 200 acre walnut and chestnut tree farm actually lies just past the city's outer limits on the other side of an irrigation canal, but for our purposes his hometown is Hughson. Nestled in the heart of the central valley, Hughson is located just south of the city of Modesto[SM1] in California's Stanislaus County. This mostly flat, fertile patch of land is one of the countless farming communities in the central valley that helps to provide the rest of the nation with upwards of one fourth of its produce needs[SM2].
Hughson is actually a part of California that most Californians would never even be able to recognize as a town from their own state. When making your way down Leedom road towards Brian's farm you begin to sense a lack of things that seems quite unfamiliar.[SM3] There are no abrasive sounds of passing traffic, no shiny new SUV's to be seen and instead of gasoline fumes a fresh scent of dew permeates the air. In fact there isn't even a traffic light to be found in this town and Brian prefers it that way. The tranquility and slow pace of life that can be found when living in this family oriented farming community are things quite far from the minds of the majority of this state's inhabitants, but they are just the things in life that Hughson's residents appreciate the most. [SM4]
Hughson is a mostly conservative town, representing the values that Americans used to hold dear, but even it is rapidly becoming more modernized.[SM5] In this town with a population just short of four thousand there are five churches to be found[SM6]. The population is made up predominantly of white farming families but there is also a burgeoning Hispanic community. Agriculture is the main source of income for residents of Hughson and the advancements in farming technology are making it easier to yield larger crops, though some are worried that this could eventually lead to over production. Farmers are under more[SM7] pressure to reduce their dependence on chemicals and pesticides which they have relied on heavily in the past. Due to the skyrocketing[SM8] cost of housing in San Francisco, Hughson is also beginning to see a rise in residents who make the hour and a half commute to work each day, seeking refuge from the high housing costs.[SM9]
These new residents are great news for those with stock in Hughson's real estate, but problems have also arisen because of them. Tempted by the lucrative deals they are being offered, many farmers are opting to sell acreage or even their entire family farms to [SM10]housing developers. Although the farmers are making [SM11]vast sums of money in the process, Hughson's rich farming heritage is being sold right along with the land from which it comes[SM12]. This outgrowth as been slowly chipping away at the strong sense of community that Hughson holds dear, as decades old neighbors and friends leave the town. Developers have also been greedy and nearsighted, neglecting major issues with utilities and proper planning while steadily moving ahead with building more houses. This recently caused a halt in construction for housing developers when they were forced by the city take care of major sewage problems before proceeding with their plans[SM13]. This type of conflict is something generally foreign to Hughson, but as the town moves further into the twenty first century with the rest of us it will inevitably become more common.
Even though there has been a recent increase in development in Hughson, there is still no shortage of free and undisturbed land for Brian and his friends to enjoy in their spare time. When they're not at school or helping along with their family around the farm, kids in Hughson love to have an old fashioned good time. Whether it's trap shooting or dirt clod fighting they have no shortage of creative and fun ways to entertain themselves. Great food is also one of Brian's favorite things about his home town. He used to frequently visit the La Perla Burrito shop after school, demonstrating the Hispanic influence on the town, as well as Husky Burger which is home to some great American food favorites and also happens to be named after the local high school's mascot[SM14].
Although lacking in many of the amenities that most of us have become unable to live without, Hughson is rich in the things that Americans used to hold dear. Far away from the pollution, noise and general discord of the cities that California is so famous far, Hughson remains as one of the few places in our state that can still take you back to a time in our history when things were just . . . simpler[SM15].
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[SM1]Not clear
what this refers to
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1
[SM2]good
introduction, nicely locating the place with lots of information and vivid
description. This is a graceful sentence.
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[SM3]repetitous
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1
[SM4]already
stated. This paragraph develops a
good contrast, but needs cutting.
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1
[SM5]Does this
phrase adds anything?
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1
[SM6]Good
example of topic statement
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2
[SM7]than
what?
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2
[SM8]proofread
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2
[SM9]echos and
repeats. Not everything in
this paragraph falls under the topic. The contrast of conservative and modern might
be adjusted to deal with this.
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2
[SM10]which? reference
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2
[SM11]this
word again
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2
[SM12]well
stated
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2
[SM13]good
movement from general to specific to example
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3
[SM14]good
inclusion of factual information
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3
[SM15]this
would be a more effective conclusion if you hadnt already stated the point
earlier.
Tyler
This is an excellent start. ItÕs rich in content, clear in structure, and elegant in styleÑin most places. However it still needs work throughout.
B+